Frustrated with myself – perfect reason for a post sane self to be typing a blog at 5am. I am at the fine line of sanity. I know the moral high grounds of bringing yourself out of misery that it is your choice. But at this very minute I can’t help but feel a sense of helplessness, stuck in my body of contradictions. I hate myself for letting myself down all the time, I hate that I can settle whenever the road gets tough. I hate that I can’t keep a promise to myself and in the end, I am the only one lost and confused. I wanted to be a crowd of dreamers and achievers, but now amongst them I feel lost. Those dreams so high only the atmosphere can shatter them, motivation so strong only nothing can stop them. I set there dwindling with my laptop, dreaming of a better tomorrow where I do work. And now at 5am I sit with insonmia and guilt. My companions since dreamhood.
I want to break something. I want to crush something and let my lungs rip into the brisk air. I want to pound my fist so hard the blood will mark this frustration. I want to disappear and be no one. Be someone amazing one day and reappear to prove that I can. When was my dreams dashed and only left with traces of their ash. I can’t remember the believed me. I can’t remember when my destination was in countable years. I want to submerse myself in water. Pure clean water and just let nature wash this frustration away. Away from ambition and wall street. I want to sit among fruits and chatter endless about everyone. Common is gold and gold is dust.
I wanted to run. I hated water. Everyone one after another lined up single file and jumped into the deep end of the pool. After doggy paddling for a while each of them passed and was allowed to leave. I was the remaining one. The instructors’ eyes dawned on me. I shrank and pleaded for the life vest. The two instructors held me by the flailing arms and legs and threw me into the water. I saw blue and tiles. I grabbed at the tiled wall. Chlorine water filled my nostrils. Finally I was able to claw my way out of the pool. I started to cry. I ran for the orange lifejackets and quickly buckled the large black buckles on myself. The instructors once again ripped the life vest off me and pulled me toward the water. Once again I was in a land of blue. I didn’t know if it was my tears or chlorine that was burning my eyes. With watery vision I saw her bloated face sticking out of her wet T-shirt. I stepped hard to get out of the water; I rose above water but was quickly immersed by the blue again. I could feel the water surface by my jaw line, creeping up and down, threatening me. Again and again, I crawled onto the tiled floors and was thrown back into water. My chest rose and fell vigorously like the gills of a shark killing prey. When I was released I ran into the changing room sobbing, all the neatly dressed kids looked at me in wonder. Their faces were blank, blurred by my chlorine tears.
Here are a few awesome Sony Walkman commercials done by no other then the brilliantly hot Odagiri Joe. They go by colour themes like Odagiri Joe’s other commercials for Toyota.
I went back to my Yamapi phase. I couldn’t help myself, Buzzer Beat was just too good. Hotness.
Buzzer Beat is a new drama with Yamapi and Keiko. The rumoured coupled. The drama starts really slow, episode 1 and 2 wasn’t all that exciting other than seeing Yamapi and Keiko. Episode 4 and 5 gets really good. I looking forward to episode 6.
This is a rare post dedicated to Yamapi. Hard to stay away from fangirling such hotness<3
This is a coming soon movie called Sword with No Name, the Korean translation is Like Fireworks, Like a Butterfly. It stars Su Ae and Jo Seung Woo, two of my favourite actors.
It is a tale of Empress Myeongseong’s love with a warrior before she became empress. I am anticipating this film, looks tingly thriller.
YeinJee’s Asian Journal posted this cute picture and I had to share it. It is by a Malaysian photographer Sam Lim. It is just like the scene from the Spiderman movie, but here he is saving duckies. Sooo sweet of him.<33333
