Frustrated with myself – perfect reason for a post sane self to be typing a blog at 5am. I am at the fine line of sanity. I know the moral high grounds of bringing yourself out of misery – that it is your choice. But at this very minute I can’t help the sense of helplessness, stuck in my body of contradictions. I hate myself for letting myself down all the time, I hate that I can settle whenever the road gets tough. I hate that I can’t keep a promise to myself and in the end, I am the only one lost and confused. I wanted to be in a crowd of dreamers and achievers, but now amongst them I feel lost. Those dreams so high only the atmosphere can shatter them, motivation so strong only nothing can stop them. I sit there dwindling with my laptop, dreaming of a better tomorrow. And now at 5am I sit with insonmia and guilt. My companions since dreamhood.
I want to break something. I want to crush something and let my lungs rip into the brisk air. I want to pound my fist so hard the blood will mark this frustration. I want to disappear and be no one. Be someone amazing one day and reappear to prove that I can. When was my dreams dashed and only left with traces of their ash. I can’t remember the believed me. I can’t remember when my destination was in countable years. I want to submerse myself in water. Pure clean water and just let nature wash this frustration away. Away from ambition and wall street. I want to sit among fruits and chatter endless about everyone. Common is gold and gold is dust.