When I was young, I never thought I would be an ordinary person. When I first saw a ship I told my father I was going to be a ship captain, then I discovered presidents. When I was seven I asked my father if a Chinese born can be the Canadian prime minister. Perhaps it was my limited vocabulary, but that Harvard degree and that prime minister position never seemed impossible. Children are so precious because they haven’t been through enough rinse cycles to be worn by the ride. Someone once said you should never climb on the fence at look at your neighbours lawn, but when your whole neighbourhood’s lawn is posted on the interwebs, I guess there is no more pretending blind. I would like to believe nothing is impossible (because our North American culture has enforced that pretty well), maybe I am not strong enough, but sometimes I just don’t see myself in the word [as in “im” “possible”, but don’t see the “im”].
I am really not sure where I am going with this, my consciousness is not defined enough to rant passionately tonight. I guess the reason why I made this blog public is that previously I wanted to be honest to myself about my fears and discomfort, and now I want to be honest to everyone else about this little girl. Perhaps just maybe with this honesty I can grow and become that sleek-sexy-knockout confident-businesswoman. At times Sauder has done a wonderful job of pushing me towards that direction, but other times it has only pulled me backed. I think one small reason is I just don’t see the examples I yearn to see, sometimes I look across the hall and think if only I was picked up by the wrong couple. Today as I biked I came across some thoughts:
As I grow up I feel my parents trailing in the dust, reaching insights seen by me years ago. Our appreciations differ by style and be level. I never know if it was my ego speaking or simply the fact. I wonder if their rinse cycles have proven too many or were they never models of achievement. I may never be able to join the Metropolitan Club, but I want to someday be close enough not to mind. In absolute honesty, I think I have only seen 50% of my potential, I feel like somehow I never prepare enough or work hard enough or devote myself enough to see it. This has been my fatal flaw, I always get to comfortable with mediocre, and I only achieve when I am spiked by rage or jealousy.
To whoever that will read this, I want these words marked – that I want to be amazing. If I ever settle for mediocrity or make excuses, I want you to slap me and you can use this blog entry as prove of my approval. I want to be polished. I want to communicate eloquently and move in circles of importance. I want to wake up every morning and know I have done something I am proud of and live that life I dreamed 13 years ago. I want my future generations to be able to appreciate anything and everything because only with knowledge and good upbringing can anyone appreciate art, nature, culture with such depth that you might want to call everyone else the unwashed mass (not that I want my children to call people unwashed mass).
This post is all consciousness and no stream, terribly sorry to whoever that reads this, but please do read everything in this post. As much as I may sound like a Buddha on those recordings, I can’t always cheer/motivate myself. This post will be my promise to myself because I believe in happy endings.