You gave me the opportunity to smile into my knee. You gave me smiles into my computer monitor. I missed you during the day while you slept.On the third date, I looked over at you over the candlelight and thought you were the cutest. I didn’t know what to eat or where to go because I just wanted to be next to you. I wanted to be nestled in your arms, my body against yours. I had no reason for liking you but that I did. I wanted to look into your eyes and make chit chat. I wanted to strip you and take pictures of your bed head. I wondered why you didn’t hold my hand or why you didn’t kiss me or why you didn’t look into my eyes. I moved that drink from the armrest between us so you could hold my hand. I left my arm there so maybe you could touch it. You kissed me awkwardly by that bus stop so many dates later. Your bed broke and we never came. We never shared a moment, making out by the water, in the rain. We were there, we just didn’t have that moment.
You made my question Toronto. You made me try to rethink my career aspiration of 6 years. I was dreading the day I had to make that decision. You were the first to do that to me.
I cried today. I cried while I placed those dollar store ornaments on my Charles Brown tree. I cried while drinking the foam of my 750ml Stella Artois. I cried then wiped my tears into my bubble bath with Adele. I will be okay tomorrow.
I am grateful you were once here. You made me realize I can feel vulnerable, feel love, feel neediness, feel hopelessly out of control of all the emotions yet be so happy. I felt sad, disappointed, not hurt, that there couldn’t be more. I felt the spark, maybe you didn’t, but that is okay. I guess we can be friends one day, just not today.